......
A human doesn't simply stop being human just because he doesn't wish to.
But the moment he cease to be a human is when he has lost his humanity.
I'm trying to cut myself some slack at the moment. ;d
I am supposed to be studying now , Industrial Automation's paper is in about 11 hours more.
Sigh.
These few days , something major happened to me.
It has caused a real , real big hole in me.
And i mean , really , big hole in my life , my morals , my principles and my beliefs.
I am really ...
Tired with all this melodrama.
Don't you think it's funny as well ? When you had this friend , who's been with you for roughly 2-3 years already. Yes , like i had said in the previous post. That guy , he took my spot in world skills , long ago. Approximately 6 months ago.
Well , i was really looking forward to joining world skills from the start due to my brother's influence. But you stole my spot. I had to swallow my pride because i was even boasting to my class that i was going to get gold and come back as a champion.
My classmates made fun of me and said all sorts of stuffs , "i thought you were going to get gold ? so fast get kick out ?"
Lol , i can only smile and say nothing.
I have to endure all that shame and insults. And up till a few days ago , this 'friend'. He had a slot in world skills AND in the FYP group i was going to get into.
(P.S : World Skills is a sort of competition whereby we can use it to do FYP.)
The chance of me getting into that FYP group basically depended on him. I ... was practically waiting. I mean , he had 6 whole months to tell me if he's going to quit world skills so i can replace him and start training earlier. But until recently , he then decided to quit world skills.
All of my hopes were dashed. FYP is too important , 16 credits. It was my future. I couldn't even joke about it. I have nowhere to go now. Everyone in my class had a FYP group , except me. I didn't open my mouth for the rest of the day.
I was just his spare tire. World Skills is just a backup until he finds something better. And i'm the one waiting for him to choose either WS or FYP. How is it fair ? My survival depended on him. That ... was so unfair. He had 6 months to make up his mind but he only decided recently.
... ...
I was so emotional that day. How would you feel if you had this trusted friend for roughly 2-3 years and he did something like this ? He used me , as a stepping stone. When i brought him to world skills out of kindness. He seemed like he didn't want to go anywhere for ITP so i introduced him to world skills. He took my spot. Now , he grabbed my spot in the FYP group.
I ... was brought up to be kind , considerate and good. Facing such ... betrayal for the first time. I didn't know what to do.
Do you know how it feels ? I used two hours to reach home. "How ... could anyone be so sly and cunning ? I thought those only happened in dramas."
I didn't know what to do , FYP is my ticket to university , applied physics. I lost my dream in that instant. Too much stuffs for me to handle. How would you feel if someone exploited your naivety and kindness , used you as a stepping stone ?
I don't know. I had no idea. I was so tired , really tired. Even my friend said "You are also kind until idk what to say sia. If i were you , i will fucking scold him like siao."
Anger wasn't in me. I walked around the whole park. I really , don't know what to do.
I have no dream , i trusted him and he breached it so easily. My principles were bent. My feelings were crushed. My heart couldn't take it anymore at all. It was too much.
No dreams , no future , no purpose in life. I wandered around for a whole hour , aimlessly.
Should i cry ? Should i scold him ? Should i confront him ? I can't even think properly.
I wanted to die. No purpose in life , everything you were brought up to be were reversed by this incident and no attachments to anything else. There was NOTHING i could do.
My dream shattered and i have to watch it happen. Do you know how much , how much i want to be a scientist ? Gone. I begged for that 'replacement' slot in case that 'friend' wasn't joining. It wasn't funny at all when they hurl insults at you.
My bag was getting so heavy , i couldn't see what was in front of me and i was scared that each time i blink , i might never open them again. My heart was in such pain. I sat down.
I called up some people and asked some random , ridiculous stuffs. "wanna bball ?"
Lol , who would ? I was really desperate for company. If not , i don't know what i was going to do. I was all alone. I couldn't walk. I crossed the road without looking out for cars. I was too lucky nothing happened to me.
I don't want to go to school. Ever.
And most importantly , i was too tired. I want to just close my eyes and i won't open them again.
Had it not been for you , i could never , ever muster the courage to go to school and face all those shits again. It was really , really hard for me to go to school and hang that fucking fake smile like nothing ever happened. I saw that 'friend'. My classmate asked me what i'm going to do for my fyp. I ... felt like dying.
I am truly grateful to your messages. They brought me back to life and accompanied me through my darkest moments in life.
Thank you. :)
See you again . Whispered to you @ 1:54 AM
k s.
kill steal , also known as kio sai. I am speechless. You , stole my spot in world skills , not because you are better. But because you glorify yourself by minimizing your mistakes and magnifying others mistakes. I lost my partner. You took my spot for 6 months. Now , you say you want to quit.
And I have to replace your spot because you have to join alfred. How is this fair man ?
...... I'm the one cleaning up your mess. Is it fair for me ? Seriously.
I don't know where did your conscience came from. Should have been somewhere unknown.
Man , if this is just a normal project , Nvm. This is fyp. 16 credit units. I have to FUCKING study while worrying about exams AND my FUCKING FYP.
I have just been slammed with the cold hard truth in my face. In this world , anyone unrelated to you , wouldn't even care if youve gotten cancer or on the verge of death. This is the society. How funny. All myife , I have been raised to instill kindness and gratitude and respect. Those became my 'manners'.
I am seriously not strong enough to take such a heavy blow yet. Why is this world so ... Messed up. I seriously wonder what people are thinking whenever their eyes locked with mine.
What are they hiding exactly under that mask ? My kindness are being exploited. How would you feel if you learnt that your friend used you as a stepping stone ? And no , this isn't snowball. I do consider things over before speaking.
I don't know what to do man. I am still head over heels with that bad girl. I am troubled if I can get into ntu's applied physics. I am stressed over my exams. And now , to top everything off. My body's in a horrible condition. My guts hurt , my back hurts and most importantly , my head hurts. Now ?
My fyp. Life ...
No , the most fundamental mistake lies with adults.
This is why , I was so scared of growing up. Financial , social and personal difficulties show up in the midst of growing up. How can you expect a kid like me to understand and cope with all that all of a sudden ?
This is going to be one of the darkest moments in my life. Sigh. Can't believe I have to smile and to divert my attention everyday to get by everyday.
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See you again . Whispered to you @ 10:47 PM
